Hole in the Hologram

11 months ago something happened to me. The only word that comes close to describing what that was is ‘profound’ which is to say that for the first time in memory I felt something ‘really real’. That’s not to say that I haven’t had a sense that there was something… ‘over there’ . Somewhere just beyond what our eyes can see. My whole life, ever since I was a child I can remember feeling a presence inside me, willing me to look inside - I never realised that ‘inside’ was in fact ‘inside me’ I thought there might be a secret garden, somewhere… else.

These messages have had various degress of potency throughout the years. I understand now that they could have all been direct but their clarity depended entirely on how distracted I was with the nonsense of the external, material world that I was so desperate to feel apart of. These messages came mostly in song, but I also received glimmers in my mind, from a source unknown but infinitely familiar. Over the years I have spent alot of energy both exploring and ignoring these feelings and nudges, I haven’t wanted to look too closely in fear of becoming insane, or feeling even more outcast from ‘normal’ than I already did.

My whole life I have felt uneasy in the world. Uncomfortable. The things that seemed to make life ‘comfortable’ felt like a form of death to me. I felt like an alien. I used to find this troubling, exhausting and I always questioned - ‘why can I not get this?’ With the insights gifted to me now, I realise there was never anything to get, none of it was real, it is all made up. Total nonsense. I am not an alien, I am not of this material world. I am that I am. The space that holds the physical. The silence that holds the sound. Just like you.

The 15th of January 2024. The day that I found the hole in the hologram - also the day I climbed inside. The day my life turned upside down in an instant, an instant I wouldn’t trade for all the money in the world. Everyday since has been a shedding, a surrendering, a questioning, a being. A miracle.

The 15th of January was a pretty regular Thursday. I was digging around under my bed and then it hit me. An energy within my body so strong that it took me back, and out from under the bed. And there I stood looking at my hands as if for the very first time. The first words I spoke in what felt like a brand new voice were ‘these aren’t my hands’ and not because they had false nails on which seemed absolutely insane to me, but because they weren’t fulfilling their true purpose - as tools the Universe uses to experience life and love with. All these hands were doing were serving death. Death by tapping nonsense everyday on a keyboard. Death by lifting glutinous amounts of alcohol, ultraprocessed foods and cigarettes to my lips. Death by scrolling through nonsense on the internet. Instead of using them to nourish my terrestrial body and my extra terrestrial mind they were used to attack them. Keeping me from my true eternal, celestial home. It felt like I had come home after a very long time away. It was like I had asked someone to housesit but I had come home to find all the furniture upside down, all the taps running and mounds and mounds of rubbish all over the place… there were some windows open to allow the light through, but a fraction of what was available.

Since that day I haven’t absorbed a single drop of alcohol or cigarette. My diet had a full overhaul. Meat is out of the question and whole foods over UPF (almost) always. Fasting is essential. My mind is nourished by consuming information through nature, literature, documentary and various meditation and yoga practices or just bathing in being. And the thing that has saved me so many times now is my journal, I have documented this whole process, every up, every down, every insight and every regular day (if there is such a thing). I will be using my journals to guide me through sharing my experience, there is so much to say, so much to share.

Since that day I have felt infinite. The space in my chest feels like it could envelope the entire Universe with love. It is a peace beyond my wildest imagination. And it is something I have to share because this miracle, is available to all of us. And it is my purpose to shine this light on all that I can.

That day was the start of my second life, my old life died instantly, a direct trade. All that I thought I was, my beliefs, identity, vices - they all fell away. I surrendered to the Universe and followed my heart and not my head. Since that day I can for the first time say that I have truly lived. A life without fear is a life of abundance. To fall in love a thousand (or more) times a day because you catch the light shine so green through the leaves or notice something beautiful in something you walk past everyday. Noticing and being eternally grateful for all the ways the Universe interacts with us when we give our ego over to spirit, to faith. The simply insanely real synchronicities. The ‘mundane’ becomes the Alter to the really real. To be an active participant in every essential process of being alive in a human body is to take part fully in your life. To become totally aware of what a honour that is.

To make room for all this new (ancient) awareness (heartmind) made me do some seemingly crazy things! I quit my great job with no plan. I have lived without electricity for months. I have gone solo to an Ayahuasca retreat (my goodness that will be a blog post on its own). Eaten in a restaurant totally naked. And so much more. A lot of deep downs and shadow work - each event serving as a tool for expansion and a revelation to who I really am. Because that is the question we all must ask ourselves - ‘Who am I really?’

This year I met myself. I met God. Before this year I actually believed I was an Atheist! How my ego deluded me is actually almost commendable… Today I have faith in God so complete that every ‘Now’ is shrouded in a light so powerful it burns away all that comes to threaten it. And there are points where it wavers, of course - but those moments of darkness are just opportunities for more light to enter when the emotion of whatever fear has passed and peace inevitably resumes.

A mantra that planted itself in my mind that day was - ‘I am light, I am love, I am limitless’ I have been waiting so long to share my experience. I have wanted to say ‘We are light, we are love, we are limitless’ to share that this knowing is available to all. We are one. The illusion of separation is the dream. We go to sleep when we wake up. Until we ‘Wake Up’.

The way out is in. Infinite peace is within us all.

I love you.

P.s. Christ is a state of mind (we’ll get into it)